Ten lies women tell on one night stands:
1/ "I don't do this sort of thing very often."
I fancy a shag and you're half decent.
2/ "I'm not on the pill, so you'll have to use a condom, please."
I am on the pill, but you might have clap or AIDS.
3/ "Subdued lighting is more sexy."
I'm terrified you'll leave at the sight of my cellulite and stretch marks.
4/ "I use that Gillette shaving foam in my bathroom for my legs."
I keep it handy for when my boyfriend stays overnight.
5/ "I'm not into bondage."
I am, but I'll have to know you better before you can shackle me to the headboard.
6/ "God, it's 4am, I'd better ring for a taxi. I've got a meeting in five hours."
That was the worst sex I've had in ages, I want to go home.
7/ "Ooh, my six-year-old niece has left her 'Mr Snuggly Bear' on my bed again."
Oh shit, he's spotted my collection of soft toys.
8/ "I like a bit of flesh on my men."
You've got a beer gut, but it's dark, so who's complaining?
9/ "Im ex-directory, I'd better scribble my number on a pad"
I've already given you my number three times, but I'm desperate to see you again.
10/ "Wow, that's totally unbelievable, Big Boy!"
If I flatter you enough, you'll work harder to make me come.
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Ten lies men tell on one night stands:
1/ "There's hardly any gin in this one, love."
It's a triple.
2/ "Yeah I have a girlfriend, but it is strictly casual."
She's my fiancee, but she's away 'till Monday.
3/ "I love you."
I fancy you.
4/ "You are incredibly beautiful."
I am incredibly desperate.
5/ "I've never done this before."
That's what I said last time, and it worked then...
6/ "Why don't you come upstairs and see my photo collection? Its light-sensitive, so we'll have to look at it in the dark."
I'm hoping you're extremely stupid.
7/ "My place is miles away, how about yours?"
My girlfriend's coming over to my place in the morning.
8/ "No way! You're not fat!"
You are fat, but I still fancy you.
9/ "Cuh. He did that to you? What a bastard!"
I really want you to sleep with me.
10/ "I sometimes think feminism has gone to far, but I basically agree with it."
All girls fall for this one.
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Manly pub jokes:
A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. he is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a hug.
The second says to him, "Have you ever been kissed?"
He shakes his head. She kisses him.
Rather abruptly, the third girl asks, "Have you ever been fucked?"
"No," says the man, his eyes lighting up.
"Well you are now, the tide's coming in."
Two men shipwrecked on an island are captured by cannibals. The chief informs them that the only way to avoid becoming dinner is to undergo the 'Ordeal of Fruit'. The men accept at once, and the chief sends them away to collect 100 pieces of fruit and bring them back to him.
The first man comes back with 100 grapes. The chief says that if he can shove all of the grapes up his arse without giggling, then he will be free.
No sooner has the first grape reached his butt when the man bursts out laughing.
"What's so funny?" The chief asks. "Don't you realise that we're going to kill you now?"
"I'm sorry," the sailor replies. "It's just that my friend is collecting pineapples."
A guy recieves a phone call from his local surgery telling him that there has been a terrible mix up with his wife's medical tests.
"We mixed up the test results and we don't know if she's the one with herpes or a heart condition," apologises the doctor.
"Oh my god, what can I do?" asks the guy.
"Well," suggests the doctor, "send her out jogging and if she comes back, don't fuck her!"
A middle-aged woman reads a magazine article which claims that, as women get older their fannies grow. Concerned about this (and her husband's reaction), she decides to carry out her own test. She places a mirror on the bathroom floor and stands over it, legs apart.
Whilst looking down, her husband happens to walk past.
"Watch out!" he cries and jumps at her, pushing her over.
"What the fuck are you doing?" the woman shouts. "You could've broken my arm!"
"Don't be so ungrateful," her husband replies. "If you'd fallen down that hole, you could have broken your neck!"
A man is out in the Chinese wilderness and he's hopelessly lost. It's been nearly three weeks since he's eaten anything besides what he could forage and he's been reduced to sleeping in caves and under trees.
One afternoon he comes upon an old mansion in the woods. It has vines covering most of it and the man can't see any other buildings in the area. However, he sees smoke coming out of the chimney, implying someone is home.
He knocks on the door and an old man answers, with a beard almost down to the ground. The old man squints his eyes and says "What do you want?"
The man says, "I've been lost for the past three weeks and haven't had a decent meal or sleep since that time. I would be most gracious if I could have a meal and sleep in your house for tonight."
The old Chinese man says "I'll let you come in on one condition: You cannot mess around with my grandaughter"
The man, exhausted and hungry readily agrees, saying "I promise I won't cause you any trouble. I'll be on my way tommorrow morning."
The old Chinese man counters "Ok, but if I do catch you then I'll give you the three worst chinese torture tests ever known to man."
"Ok, Ok" the man said as he entered the old house. Besides, he thought to himself, what kind of woman would live out in the wilderness all her life?
Well, that night, when the man came down to eat (after showering), he saw how beautiful the grandaughter was. She was an absolute pearl, and while he had only been lost three weeks, it had been many, many months without companionship. The girl had only seen the occasional monk besides her grandfather and well, they both couldn't keep their eyes off each other throughout the meal.
That night, the man snuck into the girl's bedroom and they had quite a time, but had kept the noise down to a minimum. The man crept back to his room later that night thinking to himself, "Any three torture tests would be worth it after that experience."
Well, the next morning the man awoke to a heavy weight on his chest. He opened his eyes and there was this huge rock on his chest. On the rock was a sign saying "1st Chinese torture test: 100 lb rock on your chest".
"What a lame torture test" the man thought to himself as he got up and walked over to the window. He opened the shutter and threw the rock out. On the backside of the rock is another sign saying "2nd worst Chinese torture test: Rock tied to right testicle".
The man, seeing the rock was too far out the window to be grabbed, jumps out the window after the rock. Outside the window is a third sign saying "3rd worst Chinese torture test: Left testicle tied to bedpost".
A man walk into his doctors and says, "Doctor, one of my legs keeps talking to me".
The doctor replied, "Ive a waiting room full of patients with all kinds of diseases and illnesses, and you come in here announcing that your leg talks to you? Are you messing me about or what?"
To that the man replied, "No, honestly Doctor, it talks to me!"
The doctor asks the man to roll up his trouser leg to take a look at the problem. As he rolls up the trouser, the leg says "Lend me £5 mate!"
The doctor couldnt believe it and so had another go. He rolled up the leg again, and the leg let out, "Lend me £10 pal"
The man told the doctor "See, I told you it talked, do you know what's wrong with it?"
"Of course I know what's wrong with it, it's obvious" said the Doctor, "Its broke"
Pinocchio complains to his father saying, "Whenever I attempt to make love to a woman, she complains of splinters."
His father shows pity and gives Pinocchio a piece of sand paper to sand his knob down whenever he needs to. A few days later, during dinner, his father asks, "How are the girls?"
Pinocchio replies, "Girls? Who needs girls?"
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